I bet this wasn’t at all what you were expecting out of me on a night where the rest of you have exposed yourselves, figuratively and literally - but just indulge me for a minute.
I haven’t always been overweight. As a matter of fact i gained most of my weight in the last 10 years. The last 3 years have seen me at my heaviest and then at my fittest (but not necessarily lightest) - but ultimately i can’t quite get a hold of the pendulum as it swings. I still struggle with this, and probably always will.
I wear my weight like a badge of honor, sometimes it’s my reason to leave a party early (because i feel unattractive), sometimes it’s my claim to fame (‘why yes, i can run a marathon’) but more often than not - it’s only a poor excuse to hide what really holds me back - fear. I’m scared to death that i’ll never love who i am - and never be loved by someone else, as i am.
I’ll always be the girl with just a pretty face.
In the last year self-love has taken on the grammatical pretense of a verb. Every time i go for a run, take a bath in girly stuff, go to a black tie gala event, put on my baseball cap and go to a sporting event - i’m learning to love myself for who i am in the moment. The ever present moment.
And right now i love this picture.
Because it’s awful. And overexposed. And blurry. I love my hands - my plump feminine hands, and my nails, and the way rings shine against the pink hue of my skin. I love my hair, and how silky smooth it is. And i love my lips. Because these are lips that tell stories, sing songs, help others, whisper secrets, and scream obscenities.
These are lips that form the most gorgeous little circle when i orgasm - they take on a life source of their own - the energy is palpable. When the soles of my feet are pressed harmoniously together, when my hips pulse towards the sky with little bursts of electricity, when my nipples feel like monuments in honor of my desire - then my lips follow and my body caves in and i coo. And i love how, even fearful of being unloved and uncomfortable with my own weight, i can fucking make my body whimper and coo.